Recently, I've realized, or at least been saying more frequently, that I haven't been acting myself. I've been getting overly angry about usually meaningless situations, I've recently started getting the unusually strong urge to pick up smoking again, and thoughts and actions from my old life seem to be making a comeback...out of nowhere. Things that I haven't thought of doing, wanted to do, or dreamed of doing ever again from before I became a Christian are now coming back to haunt me and coming back to tempt me like never before. Of course, this left me on the back porch last night in tears wondering why.
Why now? Why so strong? Why ever again?
One thought, before last night, that seemed to make complete and scarily enough, the only sense, was that I was in fact becoming more of myself. The last few weeks have been well, not that great between God and me, you see. Not that I'm mad or that God is just shunning me, but because of my own apathy and desire to be too busy for Him. I've really dropped the bar in spending any sort of time with Him or having anything to do with His Word or His community. I missed Bible study last week, Cru, church, and can't remember a time I prayed--even for my food.
I realized that I was becoming more of myself because I was becoming less like Christ. I allowed myself to drift farther and farther from where He wanted me to be and who He wanted me to be. As a result, I started to see just how dirty and just how hopeless I am without Him. God allowed me to see who I am without Him. This broken soul with troubled addictions that caused me to spiral out of control at one time were showing their disgusting little face again and it scared the crap out of me! Who was this person?
Me.
I don't remember a time when I felt more ashamed, more dirty, more disgusted. Words that poured out to God were, "Why would you EVER call me your masterpiece?! Look at me!" I have had experiences when I've been aware of my human nature or my sin before, but never quite like this. It was almost as if I was a different person than who I've known for the past 8 or so years...whoa.
It's hard to describe the depth of this backtracking but I have to say, I've probably never been more thankful to God for saving my very soul from where I was 8 years ago. I sat anxious, wide-eyed, and jittery on that porch in deep sobs because of a mere glimpse of who I could be today without God and it was the most horrific sight of my life.
The only reason I was able to withstand those temptations without giving in was purely the power of Christ within me. Some of those addictions that I wanted to fall back into were not ones you could just start and stop on a dime--I was addicted. I wouldn't have been able to stop, at least not very easily. I almost gave in several times, and in fact did with one, but God didn't want me to fall back into those habits--He just wanted me to realize the depth of what could be. Thank God too much of my old self died to be resurrected. Thank God He alone is my strength and my provider. Thank God He's holding me instead of me holding onto Him. You can never let God down because you were never holding Him up.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
September 24, 2009
September 02, 2009
Watching the Invisible Enemy
This past week and a half I've noticed how good Satan truly is...now before you bash me or wish me to hell, I mean how good at his job he truly is. Satan's BIGGEST claim to fame and his BIGGEST success is staying invisible. He lurks in the secrets of your heart, the darkness of the unknown, but yet he lurches out at us without us even having a clue that he's the one attacking.
WHY?!
Well, Satan is the master of deception, the king of lies, the losers of losers, blah blah blah. He is awesome and most capable of staying hidden while being the instigator because that's when he's most potent--the invisible enemy is always lethal. Think about playing your favorite sport or game. Take chess for example. How in the world do you have a shot at winning chess? You anticipate your opponent's next move and you definitely pay attention to his previous ones. If you can't see who you're up against, no better yet, if you FORGET that you're up against someone but yet they're still playing well and hard, you are most definitely going to lose. Fail. Vamoose.
Yesterday, I got a text from someone who was pretty concerned about my brother. This person said that he didn't seem to be doing well at all and that she was concerned for him...crap. I just got out of my last class for the day and just decided to walk the 2 miles home. Anyways, as I decided to walk, I started to just wonder. Wonder why if my brother made that decision to follow Christ just a little over a month ago now, why in the world he would be worse than before. I wasn't necessarily angry--at God anyways--and I wasn't all that sad, I was more at a loss of words and an almost lost sense of hope. I didn't even know what to say or pray to God because I've prayed it all exhaustively before and quite honestly I didn't think it was working...
As I was wrestling through this trying to figure out what in the world I should do or what should happen, etc. I saw it. I had my head down looking at the ground in front of me as I walked and the first thing I saw was, "Do you believe in God?" then 3 cement slabs later, "You can be GOOD without GOD!" I kept walking and literally every other cement slabs for the next 2 minutes alternated these sayings. They were advertisements for the IU Student Atheist group. With each one I was getting ever so angry to the point where I had tears streaming down my face--BAM! It hit me, Satan was attacking me at my very core. He wanted to slap me in the face and I have never been so aware of his attack against my soul than at this very moment.
The next thing I did was the best thing, in my opinion, I could've possibly done. I stopped trying to talk to God about why things weren't getting better for my brother and I started fighting for my brother against Satan--obviously talking to God is always best, but in this case I needed another plan of attack in addition. It was almost like a prayer to Satan but for him to leave well enough alone and to realize that he has been defeated FOREVER. As I did this I started to feel the burden lifted and I kept reminding Satan of how much of a coward he is that he has to fight while hidden, that he already lost my brother's soul so now out of a bitter 2-year old's temper-tantrum he's taking it out on my brother with everything he has. I felt this power well up inside me and I yelled at Satan with everything I had (all this going on while walking home mind you). I told him how pitiful he is that he was not only stripped of his glory when he was thrown out of Heaven, but he had also already lost the biggest fight of his life--this world.
You see, Satan has and will bring down churches and God's people not because they're "bad" people but because he's mad as hell (I was going for the pun ;) and he will do EVERYTHING in his power to drag them down with him. He's already lost the war but we CANNOT let him win these battles. Take Satan down with all you have and not only should you plead with God but you should also fight Satan to the very core. There's two sides to this war, let's not forget our enemy.
With that said, I have one challenge for thought for you and I would LOVE your feedback to the answer:
Is it important for us to forgive Satan just as we would any other person who has wronged us?
WHY?!
Well, Satan is the master of deception, the king of lies, the losers of losers, blah blah blah. He is awesome and most capable of staying hidden while being the instigator because that's when he's most potent--the invisible enemy is always lethal. Think about playing your favorite sport or game. Take chess for example. How in the world do you have a shot at winning chess? You anticipate your opponent's next move and you definitely pay attention to his previous ones. If you can't see who you're up against, no better yet, if you FORGET that you're up against someone but yet they're still playing well and hard, you are most definitely going to lose. Fail. Vamoose.
Yesterday, I got a text from someone who was pretty concerned about my brother. This person said that he didn't seem to be doing well at all and that she was concerned for him...crap. I just got out of my last class for the day and just decided to walk the 2 miles home. Anyways, as I decided to walk, I started to just wonder. Wonder why if my brother made that decision to follow Christ just a little over a month ago now, why in the world he would be worse than before. I wasn't necessarily angry--at God anyways--and I wasn't all that sad, I was more at a loss of words and an almost lost sense of hope. I didn't even know what to say or pray to God because I've prayed it all exhaustively before and quite honestly I didn't think it was working...
As I was wrestling through this trying to figure out what in the world I should do or what should happen, etc. I saw it. I had my head down looking at the ground in front of me as I walked and the first thing I saw was, "Do you believe in God?" then 3 cement slabs later, "You can be GOOD without GOD!" I kept walking and literally every other cement slabs for the next 2 minutes alternated these sayings. They were advertisements for the IU Student Atheist group. With each one I was getting ever so angry to the point where I had tears streaming down my face--BAM! It hit me, Satan was attacking me at my very core. He wanted to slap me in the face and I have never been so aware of his attack against my soul than at this very moment.
The next thing I did was the best thing, in my opinion, I could've possibly done. I stopped trying to talk to God about why things weren't getting better for my brother and I started fighting for my brother against Satan--obviously talking to God is always best, but in this case I needed another plan of attack in addition. It was almost like a prayer to Satan but for him to leave well enough alone and to realize that he has been defeated FOREVER. As I did this I started to feel the burden lifted and I kept reminding Satan of how much of a coward he is that he has to fight while hidden, that he already lost my brother's soul so now out of a bitter 2-year old's temper-tantrum he's taking it out on my brother with everything he has. I felt this power well up inside me and I yelled at Satan with everything I had (all this going on while walking home mind you). I told him how pitiful he is that he was not only stripped of his glory when he was thrown out of Heaven, but he had also already lost the biggest fight of his life--this world.
You see, Satan has and will bring down churches and God's people not because they're "bad" people but because he's mad as hell (I was going for the pun ;) and he will do EVERYTHING in his power to drag them down with him. He's already lost the war but we CANNOT let him win these battles. Take Satan down with all you have and not only should you plead with God but you should also fight Satan to the very core. There's two sides to this war, let's not forget our enemy.
With that said, I have one challenge for thought for you and I would LOVE your feedback to the answer:
Is it important for us to forgive Satan just as we would any other person who has wronged us?
August 13, 2009
Terminating the Veil
So, since I'm jobless (not by choice) and have no life going on right now, I watch a lot of TV :). Last weekend, I think it was Saturday night--remember, no life right now--I was watching the Terminator II. I thought it was pretty cool, you know, seeing Arnold in action again. Well, I didn't think much of it until Sunday when I was at church.
I went to this different church than I normally do to try it out and to see if I wanted to be a regular attender. It was okay, but one thing that really struck me was during the sermon when the pastor was talking about how he became a Christian.
Now, if you're reading this you may not know the exact definition of a Christian the way it's meant to be lived--it often gets lost in this jumbledness of the world. A Christian is a person looking to Christ as his or her personal savior and dedicating one's life to following God in his or her life. A Christian is not a person who's parents were Baptist, Methodist, Catholic, etc. A Christian is not a person who attends church on Sundays, even Bible studies on Wednesdays, or even church functions any other day. Christ defines the Christian--not the person.
Anyways, the pastor was talking about the veil that covers our eyes--the one that separates us from knowing God and Christ for who They are and for what They've done. He was talking about how Satan is the one who holds this veil over eyes until enough is done that this veil is tore down and everything suddenly, makes sense. Well, I thought that was interesting and then all of a sudden, the Terminator starts playing in my mind--awesome. haha
What was kind of interesting was the way God was helping me to visualize this idea. The movie has this cyborg dude who is made of some type of pretty awesome liquid metal/mercury type deal that makes him unstoppable. When you shoot the dude, homeboy just morphs back into his little human front while barely even slowing down. He just keeps coming back--it almost seems impossible to stop him!
Well, at the end of the movie, good ol' Arnie has this huge shotgun that he's using to blast this dude. Every time he shoots him, the guy stumbles back just a little bit at a time and his human-like appearance is shattered more and more. But here's the thing, there is a huge cauldron of molten metal at the edge of this platform that the cyborg is inching towards each time he's shot. Right when he's getting ready to go over the edge, one more shot would obviously do it, Arnie runs out of ammo. Ah shoot! The mom, kid, and Arnie thought they were defeated until someone (I honestly can't remember who) pulls out a gun and shoots the dude to make him plunge to his ultimate demise. Game over. He doesn't come crawling back on this one. He's dead. Defeated. Gone.
This is EXACTLY how it is when we share the love of Christ with strangers, family members, friends, co-workers, whomever. We keep shooting at the veil, that cover that shields their eyes from knowing Christ for who He truly is. We get to a point where we feel defeated because it seems like it's impenetrable, an unstoppable force that we just cannot seem to kill once and for all. It is a process, it is something that we have to keep shooting at, keep speaking truth into that veil to make it burn until it is no more. I tell you, it is not impossible. It is not unstoppable. It is not impenetrable. Don't give up hope, don't lose sight, and for the love of God never stop sharing the best thing that ever happened to you!
I went to this different church than I normally do to try it out and to see if I wanted to be a regular attender. It was okay, but one thing that really struck me was during the sermon when the pastor was talking about how he became a Christian.
Now, if you're reading this you may not know the exact definition of a Christian the way it's meant to be lived--it often gets lost in this jumbledness of the world. A Christian is a person looking to Christ as his or her personal savior and dedicating one's life to following God in his or her life. A Christian is not a person who's parents were Baptist, Methodist, Catholic, etc. A Christian is not a person who attends church on Sundays, even Bible studies on Wednesdays, or even church functions any other day. Christ defines the Christian--not the person.
Anyways, the pastor was talking about the veil that covers our eyes--the one that separates us from knowing God and Christ for who They are and for what They've done. He was talking about how Satan is the one who holds this veil over eyes until enough is done that this veil is tore down and everything suddenly, makes sense. Well, I thought that was interesting and then all of a sudden, the Terminator starts playing in my mind--awesome. haha
What was kind of interesting was the way God was helping me to visualize this idea. The movie has this cyborg dude who is made of some type of pretty awesome liquid metal/mercury type deal that makes him unstoppable. When you shoot the dude, homeboy just morphs back into his little human front while barely even slowing down. He just keeps coming back--it almost seems impossible to stop him!
Well, at the end of the movie, good ol' Arnie has this huge shotgun that he's using to blast this dude. Every time he shoots him, the guy stumbles back just a little bit at a time and his human-like appearance is shattered more and more. But here's the thing, there is a huge cauldron of molten metal at the edge of this platform that the cyborg is inching towards each time he's shot. Right when he's getting ready to go over the edge, one more shot would obviously do it, Arnie runs out of ammo. Ah shoot! The mom, kid, and Arnie thought they were defeated until someone (I honestly can't remember who) pulls out a gun and shoots the dude to make him plunge to his ultimate demise. Game over. He doesn't come crawling back on this one. He's dead. Defeated. Gone.
This is EXACTLY how it is when we share the love of Christ with strangers, family members, friends, co-workers, whomever. We keep shooting at the veil, that cover that shields their eyes from knowing Christ for who He truly is. We get to a point where we feel defeated because it seems like it's impenetrable, an unstoppable force that we just cannot seem to kill once and for all. It is a process, it is something that we have to keep shooting at, keep speaking truth into that veil to make it burn until it is no more. I tell you, it is not impossible. It is not unstoppable. It is not impenetrable. Don't give up hope, don't lose sight, and for the love of God never stop sharing the best thing that ever happened to you!
July 31, 2009
The Enemy Has Been Defeated...We Lift Our Voice in Victory!
Some of you know the hardship that my oldest brother has had to face and how hard it has been for him to have to go through that. Recently, my family and I realized that we needed to do more for him because he needed it desperately.
I know that I've been praying for him hardcore to get to know Christ and the hope He brings. I started to realize that all of this that my brother was going through was for God to simply bring him to his knees and help him realize that he can't rely on himself...only God has control and only God can bring him through this. Unfortunately, as these tragedies kept coming his way, he only seemed to be driving farther from God--I even thought for good reason. It was hard to sit by and watch all of this inflicted on my big brother who has always protected me.
Well, after our family realized that more needed to be done Wednesday morning, we all gathered at his side. My other brother, mom, dad, and me went to his house Wednesday evening just to be with him, comfort him, and love him.
Sitting down across from me in an empty room he told me that he felt like Job in the Bible. This made me laugh a little, on the inside, because when I was on my way home from Bloomington I knew that I wanted to talk to him about Job and his life. Shortly after that thought, my sister told me that I should read him Job 5 and she never even read the book! Okay God, you're working here, I see it.
Well, he went on to tell me that he didn't finish Job...I smiled and I told him that the end is where we find hope. God revealed to Job that He was testing him and that he was trying to get Job to realize that God alone is who he should depend on--not himself. After a conversation with Job, God gave Job EVERYTHING that He had taken from him and even doubled it. In the second part of Job's life, God blessed him so much greater than the first part.
My brother had tears in his eyes and I continued to share with why God is likely doing this same thing with him. He wanted him to come to God with 100% of his life. I went over and I cried with my brother...yeah, we cried a lot. My other brother came in, who is the reason why I'm even a Christian today, and told him, "She's telling you the truth man." The three of us sat there and we cried hard, my mom walked in from the other room and cried too.
My other brother and I continued to share our experiences and why we knew God was the answer. Becoming a Christian won't take these situations away, but man oh man does God give you hope like never before in those situations! To be honest, I can't remember much of what even came out of my mouth that night...they had to of been God's words, not mine (thankfully).
At one point, my brother even grabbed me in a huge bear hug where we just wept in each others arms.
He told us that he wanted to change, that he didn't want to do it on his own anymore. He wanted God to be the center of his life. WOW!!!
We prayed with him, for him, and helped him to accept Christ into his life and to take his burdens on His shoulders. My brother told us that he felt like a huge weight was lifted off of his shoulders already. Ha, oh yes!
It was probably the best night of my life to witness that, be a part of that, and to finally have the six of us in our family back together again--just each other (once my sister came after she got off work). We ate a very late dinner together, reminisced, and laughed like we were a true family. It will be forever ingrained in my memory, THANK GOD!
I couldn't stop smiling, laughing, thanking, and praising God ever since and I hope I never do. My God is a God of miracles, love, grace, and power.
Don't give up, don't quit, and never EVER think God can't move an entire mountain range...or even that pebble. God is love, AMEN!
I know that I've been praying for him hardcore to get to know Christ and the hope He brings. I started to realize that all of this that my brother was going through was for God to simply bring him to his knees and help him realize that he can't rely on himself...only God has control and only God can bring him through this. Unfortunately, as these tragedies kept coming his way, he only seemed to be driving farther from God--I even thought for good reason. It was hard to sit by and watch all of this inflicted on my big brother who has always protected me.
Well, after our family realized that more needed to be done Wednesday morning, we all gathered at his side. My other brother, mom, dad, and me went to his house Wednesday evening just to be with him, comfort him, and love him.
Sitting down across from me in an empty room he told me that he felt like Job in the Bible. This made me laugh a little, on the inside, because when I was on my way home from Bloomington I knew that I wanted to talk to him about Job and his life. Shortly after that thought, my sister told me that I should read him Job 5 and she never even read the book! Okay God, you're working here, I see it.
Well, he went on to tell me that he didn't finish Job...I smiled and I told him that the end is where we find hope. God revealed to Job that He was testing him and that he was trying to get Job to realize that God alone is who he should depend on--not himself. After a conversation with Job, God gave Job EVERYTHING that He had taken from him and even doubled it. In the second part of Job's life, God blessed him so much greater than the first part.
My brother had tears in his eyes and I continued to share with why God is likely doing this same thing with him. He wanted him to come to God with 100% of his life. I went over and I cried with my brother...yeah, we cried a lot. My other brother came in, who is the reason why I'm even a Christian today, and told him, "She's telling you the truth man." The three of us sat there and we cried hard, my mom walked in from the other room and cried too.
My other brother and I continued to share our experiences and why we knew God was the answer. Becoming a Christian won't take these situations away, but man oh man does God give you hope like never before in those situations! To be honest, I can't remember much of what even came out of my mouth that night...they had to of been God's words, not mine (thankfully).
At one point, my brother even grabbed me in a huge bear hug where we just wept in each others arms.
He told us that he wanted to change, that he didn't want to do it on his own anymore. He wanted God to be the center of his life. WOW!!!
We prayed with him, for him, and helped him to accept Christ into his life and to take his burdens on His shoulders. My brother told us that he felt like a huge weight was lifted off of his shoulders already. Ha, oh yes!
It was probably the best night of my life to witness that, be a part of that, and to finally have the six of us in our family back together again--just each other (once my sister came after she got off work). We ate a very late dinner together, reminisced, and laughed like we were a true family. It will be forever ingrained in my memory, THANK GOD!
I couldn't stop smiling, laughing, thanking, and praising God ever since and I hope I never do. My God is a God of miracles, love, grace, and power.
Don't give up, don't quit, and never EVER think God can't move an entire mountain range...or even that pebble. God is love, AMEN!
May 12, 2009
How Fruity Are You?
So, here I am once again at 4 in the morning because I can't seem to sleep... This thought is actually long overdue though. See, this thought occured to me when I was on spring break in the lovely Hampton, VA visiting my amazing friend Lindsay. We were eating cereal and I can't remember exactly what the name of it was, but it was some kind of strawberry cornflakes or something like that.
Anyways, the back of the box had random facts about fruit. One of them gave the definition of what a fruit is and does. It said something along the lines of "fruit is the fleshy part that surrounds and protects the seed inside." Instantly, strangely enough, this made me think of spiritual fruit.
Christians are called to live by the fruit of the Spirit, to be fruitful in reproduction and good deeds, and to bear "good" fruit. Why is fruit listed SO MANY times in Scripture?
I think it's simple. The Gospel (if you don't know what I'm referring to as the Gospel, check out the first two posts) is referred to as a seed many many times in Scripture. Ahhh, coming together now? We, as Christians, are entrusted....big word, entrusted to God's amazing story of salvation, which is the precious seed.
We, as Christians, are the very fruit that protect that precious seed from being taken away by Satan's clamy hands. Each Christian bears some kind of fruit but the heart of that person determines whether that fruit is good or whether it's bad (Matthew 12:33).
We've all bitten into a soft and maybe somewhat brown apple and it didn't allow much to satisfy you right? It was somewhat easy to get the core of that apple because the fleshy part around it gave way easily. Don't be that brown apple. Fight and protect against that little evil green worm that wants to eat away at you and take your very gift from you.
Friends, we are that very flesh that surround the seed of everlasting life. Adam made the mistake of blending in that nastiness of sin and blemish into our perfect fruit in the beginning so that now we inherently produce bad, weak fruit, but we have a chance to change that. We have been given the opportunity to have our bad tree chopped down so that the new and good one can grow in its place.
One last thing--the purpose for fruit is also to disperse that seed to other areas to reproduce that same type of fruit. We, as the seed-bearers, need to take this job just as seriously as protecting the seed. The seed is what brings life to a desolate area. The seed is what we were created to guard and share. Remember, the amount of seed you have is infinite--don't be greedy.
Anyways, the back of the box had random facts about fruit. One of them gave the definition of what a fruit is and does. It said something along the lines of "fruit is the fleshy part that surrounds and protects the seed inside." Instantly, strangely enough, this made me think of spiritual fruit.
Christians are called to live by the fruit of the Spirit, to be fruitful in reproduction and good deeds, and to bear "good" fruit. Why is fruit listed SO MANY times in Scripture?
I think it's simple. The Gospel (if you don't know what I'm referring to as the Gospel, check out the first two posts) is referred to as a seed many many times in Scripture. Ahhh, coming together now? We, as Christians, are entrusted....big word, entrusted to God's amazing story of salvation, which is the precious seed.
We, as Christians, are the very fruit that protect that precious seed from being taken away by Satan's clamy hands. Each Christian bears some kind of fruit but the heart of that person determines whether that fruit is good or whether it's bad (Matthew 12:33).
We've all bitten into a soft and maybe somewhat brown apple and it didn't allow much to satisfy you right? It was somewhat easy to get the core of that apple because the fleshy part around it gave way easily. Don't be that brown apple. Fight and protect against that little evil green worm that wants to eat away at you and take your very gift from you.
Friends, we are that very flesh that surround the seed of everlasting life. Adam made the mistake of blending in that nastiness of sin and blemish into our perfect fruit in the beginning so that now we inherently produce bad, weak fruit, but we have a chance to change that. We have been given the opportunity to have our bad tree chopped down so that the new and good one can grow in its place.
One last thing--the purpose for fruit is also to disperse that seed to other areas to reproduce that same type of fruit. We, as the seed-bearers, need to take this job just as seriously as protecting the seed. The seed is what brings life to a desolate area. The seed is what we were created to guard and share. Remember, the amount of seed you have is infinite--don't be greedy.
May 11, 2009
Money Money
This past week I've been wondering about people and their relationship with their possessions. What causes us all to cling so desperately to what we have? Why do we lean so heavily on our material crap, really, rather than on what actually matters and even lasts?
What started my pondering was my sister-in-law's tragic fire in which she lost everything she owned. Thankfully, oooh thankfully, she and my two nieces made it out safe and sound....except with nothing but the clothes on her back and about a third of my nieces' stuff that wasn't there. This bothered me so much that this would happen in the midst of EVERYTHING their poor family has been through within a year's time. In all honesty, I was pretty ticked at God.
Why? What the heck is the purpose of this fire?
Yeah, I know there's a lot of answers to that question but none of them seemed to fit this circumstance. I didn't see how it could all fit. I desperately searched and seeked for God's purpose in allowing this to happen and I begged Him to at least show me a glimpse or let me in on His "little secret." Then He did the unthinkable...just a few minutes after begging and pleading and seeking, I turned my computer on and saw my little verse of the day: "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal" (Matthew 6:19-21).
This made me a little more mad I have to admit but tears literally fell harder and harder after each word that I read. I balled for at least a good 5 minutes. I've heard this verse so many times before but this seemed like a smack in the face to me at this moment. At the same time that this made me a little more mad, it also gave me hope that God actually did have a plan and a purpose for a restoration.
I've collected things so many times before for the homeless, the hungry, the needy...everytime it was for strangers. Now it was personal. Now my family was homeless, hungry, needy. I've never been so humbled than if it was my very self in desperate need without a thing.
The pain ran deep and collecting things from myself and from others opened up doors for me to see the inner-workings of how giving and selflessness actually and truly comes into play. I found myself frustrated by the lack of help and support. I found myself extremely excited and joyful when people who I even least expected pulled through big time. I felt sorrow for not being able to give more....or could I? Can I?
After being taught this whole week what it means to have nothing and to have to rebuild with just the help of others and your desire to survive, I learned that we are all so flipping greedy! I felt selfish without even doing anything that was intentionally selfish. I looked around at my possessions that I had in my dorm room and as a college student I was in a lot better shape than SO MANY people who are well beyond my years. I'm not rich by any means but truly I am. I get mad when I don't get that shirt I want, when my car sounds like death, when I don't have a bunch of money to blow on whatever. At least I have a plethora of clothing to choose my outfits every day, at least I have a car, at least I have some money. How did I become such a greedy brat?
Giving boxes of food to those who needed it just outside the campus walls, so to speak, with SHINE was the tip of the iceburg. Hearing people's stories of how they truly wanted and have fought to make it in the world, I learned just how rich I am. I didn't have to worry about how to feed my kids, let alone myself. I didn't have to worry about not having a car to visit my mom in prison just once since she's been there in 2 years. I didn't have to worry about not getting evicted every month when I couldn't afford the bill. How did I become so greedy?
Comfort. Comfort is my enemy. I get caught up in my own little bubble of wanting to impress others or wanting to be more comfortable than I already am. Once that bubble is popped I see my possessions as they are...fragile and frail peices of crap that don't mean a thing. Bugs will eat your house away, water will rust your car away, theives will steal your money away, fires will burn anything away. In any case, we lose it. If not in our lifetime, in losing our life. I've never seen a dead person grab their pimped out car as they were buried.
Why do we get so attached to these little things that don't mean a thing to us in actuality? Why do we let those urges and desires grow into something that controls us? I don't want more than I need anymore. Honestly, I do but I hate it with all my being. I feel dirty when I'm dressed in expensive fancy clothes and walk by someone who's barely even making it living on the streets.
This must be what Paul talks about when he says:
For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with he law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. (Romans 7:14-25)
The wording is kind of confusing but read it slowly and truly contemplate what he's trying to get across. There is an inward battle of sin vs. righteousness and our flesh (of this world) strongly desires the sin. Our souls long to be made right with God (righteousness) but our flesh gets in the way because this world still has such a grip on us. We want to do what is right but our desires to satisfy our flesh are so strong and we're used to giving into those desires before walking with God that we end up giving into those desires anyways.
I'm tired of being greedy. I'm tired of wanting more. I don't want anymore crap, I want what lasts. I want to store up treasures that last in heaven. I want to give like there's no tomorrow. I want to be stripped of my comfort and I want to intentionally and selflessly love by giving what often means the most to me--my possessions.
After all, isn't everything we have just kind of loaned to us anyways? What did we every bring into this world at birth? Every seen a baby come out with Blackberry?
What started my pondering was my sister-in-law's tragic fire in which she lost everything she owned. Thankfully, oooh thankfully, she and my two nieces made it out safe and sound....except with nothing but the clothes on her back and about a third of my nieces' stuff that wasn't there. This bothered me so much that this would happen in the midst of EVERYTHING their poor family has been through within a year's time. In all honesty, I was pretty ticked at God.
Why? What the heck is the purpose of this fire?
Yeah, I know there's a lot of answers to that question but none of them seemed to fit this circumstance. I didn't see how it could all fit. I desperately searched and seeked for God's purpose in allowing this to happen and I begged Him to at least show me a glimpse or let me in on His "little secret." Then He did the unthinkable...just a few minutes after begging and pleading and seeking, I turned my computer on and saw my little verse of the day: "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal" (Matthew 6:19-21).
This made me a little more mad I have to admit but tears literally fell harder and harder after each word that I read. I balled for at least a good 5 minutes. I've heard this verse so many times before but this seemed like a smack in the face to me at this moment. At the same time that this made me a little more mad, it also gave me hope that God actually did have a plan and a purpose for a restoration.
I've collected things so many times before for the homeless, the hungry, the needy...everytime it was for strangers. Now it was personal. Now my family was homeless, hungry, needy. I've never been so humbled than if it was my very self in desperate need without a thing.
The pain ran deep and collecting things from myself and from others opened up doors for me to see the inner-workings of how giving and selflessness actually and truly comes into play. I found myself frustrated by the lack of help and support. I found myself extremely excited and joyful when people who I even least expected pulled through big time. I felt sorrow for not being able to give more....or could I? Can I?
After being taught this whole week what it means to have nothing and to have to rebuild with just the help of others and your desire to survive, I learned that we are all so flipping greedy! I felt selfish without even doing anything that was intentionally selfish. I looked around at my possessions that I had in my dorm room and as a college student I was in a lot better shape than SO MANY people who are well beyond my years. I'm not rich by any means but truly I am. I get mad when I don't get that shirt I want, when my car sounds like death, when I don't have a bunch of money to blow on whatever. At least I have a plethora of clothing to choose my outfits every day, at least I have a car, at least I have some money. How did I become such a greedy brat?
Giving boxes of food to those who needed it just outside the campus walls, so to speak, with SHINE was the tip of the iceburg. Hearing people's stories of how they truly wanted and have fought to make it in the world, I learned just how rich I am. I didn't have to worry about how to feed my kids, let alone myself. I didn't have to worry about not having a car to visit my mom in prison just once since she's been there in 2 years. I didn't have to worry about not getting evicted every month when I couldn't afford the bill. How did I become so greedy?
Comfort. Comfort is my enemy. I get caught up in my own little bubble of wanting to impress others or wanting to be more comfortable than I already am. Once that bubble is popped I see my possessions as they are...fragile and frail peices of crap that don't mean a thing. Bugs will eat your house away, water will rust your car away, theives will steal your money away, fires will burn anything away. In any case, we lose it. If not in our lifetime, in losing our life. I've never seen a dead person grab their pimped out car as they were buried.
Why do we get so attached to these little things that don't mean a thing to us in actuality? Why do we let those urges and desires grow into something that controls us? I don't want more than I need anymore. Honestly, I do but I hate it with all my being. I feel dirty when I'm dressed in expensive fancy clothes and walk by someone who's barely even making it living on the streets.
This must be what Paul talks about when he says:
For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with he law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. (Romans 7:14-25)
The wording is kind of confusing but read it slowly and truly contemplate what he's trying to get across. There is an inward battle of sin vs. righteousness and our flesh (of this world) strongly desires the sin. Our souls long to be made right with God (righteousness) but our flesh gets in the way because this world still has such a grip on us. We want to do what is right but our desires to satisfy our flesh are so strong and we're used to giving into those desires before walking with God that we end up giving into those desires anyways.
I'm tired of being greedy. I'm tired of wanting more. I don't want anymore crap, I want what lasts. I want to store up treasures that last in heaven. I want to give like there's no tomorrow. I want to be stripped of my comfort and I want to intentionally and selflessly love by giving what often means the most to me--my possessions.
After all, isn't everything we have just kind of loaned to us anyways? What did we every bring into this world at birth? Every seen a baby come out with Blackberry?
April 23, 2009
Where I Stand
So, this is my first ever blog post...weird. I truly was inspired to even begin blogging after just truly wanting to share some of the things that I really felt laid on my heart by, yes, God. The fact of blogging never truly crossed my mind until I saw some of the posts that my friend Kaitlyn made and that my Bible study leader Alicia made. I thought, hey, that's pretty sweet, maybe I should try that sometime and an hour of insomnia later, here I am haha.
Before I dive into the heart of blogging, truly, I wanted to take a little bit of time to talk about the Real God--the God that I've come to know and love whole-heartedly. Before you write this off as another "Holy-Roller" talk or "churchy" talk, please just read this. I bet this will be different than what you're used to if you're usually turned off by talks about God or anything to do with religion. This is more to people who may be reading this who don't necessarily know God. Yes, you may know of Him or know stories about what He supposedly has done, but do you truly know Him? You may say, "What the heck is the difference between you using italics to describe 'know' and not using italics to describe 'know'? Who cares," right? Well you may say you know someone when in actuality you just know of that person or you know what his or her name is and maybe one or two facts about that person. Does that mean that you truly know a person? I say no. You know about that person but you don't necessarily know his or her interests, heart, goals, ambitions, fears, people he or she looks up to most. How do you get to know a person? You spend time with that person asking questions about him or herself because you're truly probing to find the real core of that person.
This is EXACTLY the type of relationship God wants with me, with each of us, with YOU. I, nor anyone else, is here to judge any one of you, nor am I even capable of doing so. Why? We're ALL screwed in theory. I can't judge you or anyone else based on what you do because I don't know you near enough to make that call. Man, I don't even know myself enough to make that call. I don't know your personality, your background, your struggles. All of that information is between you and God. I have no desire to make that judgement call against you and I'm not even qualified so please don't think that that's EVER my intent in getting to know you at any time.
With that said, I invite you, I encourage you, I beg and plead with you to just take the step in saying, "Hey God, if you are real and if you do truly want to get to know me, please show me who you are. Please just open my eyes to who you are and why I'm here. Help me to know why you're God, why I'm a person, and why the heck I would ever want to get to know you." If you say this in your heart and you truly and honestly want to see what happens, if anything, then what do you have to lose? Maybe like 10 seconds that it takes for you to say this? Seriously, even if you don't think God even exists, what do you have to lose?
See that's all I wanted to say. God loves you (He truly truly truly does), He wants so much to have a relationship with you, and He wants to show you how much He desires that connection. It does not matter....wait, let me repeat, IT DOES NOT MATTER what you've done, what you are doing, who you think you are because God TRULY loves you for you. Don't think for a second you're not good enough because God wants to tell you otherwise. Don't for a second think that you're not cut out to follow God or to be one of those "religious folk," because who truly is? It's all a process and it's all a part of the learning curve. Just please, please, please, let God meet you where you are and let Him show you who He is.
Before I dive into the heart of blogging, truly, I wanted to take a little bit of time to talk about the Real God--the God that I've come to know and love whole-heartedly. Before you write this off as another "Holy-Roller" talk or "churchy" talk, please just read this. I bet this will be different than what you're used to if you're usually turned off by talks about God or anything to do with religion. This is more to people who may be reading this who don't necessarily know God. Yes, you may know of Him or know stories about what He supposedly has done, but do you truly know Him? You may say, "What the heck is the difference between you using italics to describe 'know' and not using italics to describe 'know'? Who cares," right? Well you may say you know someone when in actuality you just know of that person or you know what his or her name is and maybe one or two facts about that person. Does that mean that you truly know a person? I say no. You know about that person but you don't necessarily know his or her interests, heart, goals, ambitions, fears, people he or she looks up to most. How do you get to know a person? You spend time with that person asking questions about him or herself because you're truly probing to find the real core of that person.
This is EXACTLY the type of relationship God wants with me, with each of us, with YOU. I, nor anyone else, is here to judge any one of you, nor am I even capable of doing so. Why? We're ALL screwed in theory. I can't judge you or anyone else based on what you do because I don't know you near enough to make that call. Man, I don't even know myself enough to make that call. I don't know your personality, your background, your struggles. All of that information is between you and God. I have no desire to make that judgement call against you and I'm not even qualified so please don't think that that's EVER my intent in getting to know you at any time.
With that said, I invite you, I encourage you, I beg and plead with you to just take the step in saying, "Hey God, if you are real and if you do truly want to get to know me, please show me who you are. Please just open my eyes to who you are and why I'm here. Help me to know why you're God, why I'm a person, and why the heck I would ever want to get to know you." If you say this in your heart and you truly and honestly want to see what happens, if anything, then what do you have to lose? Maybe like 10 seconds that it takes for you to say this? Seriously, even if you don't think God even exists, what do you have to lose?
See that's all I wanted to say. God loves you (He truly truly truly does), He wants so much to have a relationship with you, and He wants to show you how much He desires that connection. It does not matter....wait, let me repeat, IT DOES NOT MATTER what you've done, what you are doing, who you think you are because God TRULY loves you for you. Don't think for a second you're not good enough because God wants to tell you otherwise. Don't for a second think that you're not cut out to follow God or to be one of those "religious folk," because who truly is? It's all a process and it's all a part of the learning curve. Just please, please, please, let God meet you where you are and let Him show you who He is.
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