To begin, if you haven't read the blog right before this one ("Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are..."), please do before reading this...It gives you some background into this blog.
With that said, I have had the most fantastic worse past hour and a half or so...maybe longer. Today was a pretty rainy day all around and I of course still do not have rainboots or an umbrella--after being at college for 2 years having to walk in all weather. After class, I had to meet with a photographer to do a photo shoot...I know random, right? He wanted me to stand in the rain so that my hair would be wet because it had to do with my storm chasing trip this past summer. I was only slightly annoyed with that because I thought it'd be weird, but whatever. It was only slightly sprinkling at that point so it wasn't too bad and I only had to do this awkwardness for like 10 minutes.
I decided to head through the union on my way to the bus back home to stay dry a little longer. When I got to the door I was going to leave through, I saw that it was POURING! I walked outside under the green awning and stared at it for a second wondering what in the world I was going to do. The bus stop was still a good 5 or so blocks away and I was bound to get wet. Awesome. I ran back into the union to grab a newspaper--fell on the way in, haha--and held it over my head as I started my journey.
It seemed to start raining harder and all that was managing to stay dry was my face and front of my head. I had already rolled up my pants because I didn't want to get them too wet, of course. I finally got closer to the bus stop--maybe half a block away--just to see it leave. This bus only comes every 20 minutes. I didn't know what to do but only slightly laugh at the ridiculousness of what I thought this situation was. I would have to stand out in this rain for 20 more minutes just to wait for the next bus but there was no way I was walking back in that mess!
I started to stand next to a lucky guy with an umbrella, who didn't offer to share
:(, and my arms were tired of holding the newspaper so I just let it sit on my head haha. Cars were driving by and people were staring at me and some laughing but I couldn't help but laugh either. I was already getting fairly wet and I have a flippin newspaper on my head. I waited for awhile and then the weirdest, but most awesome, thing happened.
I could feel this tug, this urge, this slight voice say, "Hey come walk home..It'll be fuuuuun." Ha! Right. I'm wearing a white shirt, that's not gonna fly sorry. "No, you have a pink tank top under, it's all good." That's ridiculous! It's too far. "No it's not." It's too wet! "No it's not." I don't want to. "Come on." Okay, if the bus doesn't come in the count to 10 .1.2.3.4.5.6.7...10...Okay, fine.
I couldn't stop laughing and I looked over at the umbrella dude just to see him looking at me ridiculously and laughing at me. I turned, took the newspaper off my head, and crossed the street in the pouring rain feeling the most ridiculous I've felt in such a long time. I smiled at people as I walked by and I was all the while wondering why in the world I was walking in this rain with my bookbag and dressed in normal clothes.
Quickly after I started walking I could tell exactly why this was the best decision I've made in a long time. God wanted me to come play. I tiptoed around puddles just to be splashed by one. So, I started jumping in them and laughing. I felt like such a kid and I had such amazing childlike joy. It was as if God was saying, "I've been waiting for this time to spend with you. You told me you felt so dirty the other night, let me clean you :)"
Whoever said getting clean isn't a dirty job lied. I had grass and woodchips all over my feet and ankles, I was literally dripping with water, and every person that saw me couldn't stop staring at me wondering why I was so happy to walk in this horrible weather.
God bring on the rain. Give me more! Make it POUR!! I wanted to challenge Him to see if He would do it. I was teasing Him and I truly truly TRULY knew He was walking right along side me playing in the rain with me. Oh it was AMAZING!!! I lost sight of any sort of embarrasment I started out with and I couldn't stop smiling and laughing. This is where I needed to be all along.
Near the end of my wet and wild trip, I came up to two older women crossing guards at Hillside and Henderson. I stood in the rain at that intersection in the pouring rain and had to wait for the light to change for like 5 minutes. I finally started crossing the intersection when the old lady crossing guard said, "It's a good day for ducks!" and smiled. I looked at her really confused and said, "Uh, what?" "It's a good day for ducks!!" I said, "Yes, it is!" and kept walking.
I maybe took three steps and started laughing hysterically, haha. What a marvelous day that I've been able to spend with my Savior, my Redeemer, my Husband, my Papa :)
When I got home, I checked the mail and I had an awesome and encouraging card from my dearest Lynshay. Inside was the best thing that made me laugh even harder...a colored picture of a little globe with every kind of weather around it--including rain :)
September 24, 2009
Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are...
Recently, I've realized, or at least been saying more frequently, that I haven't been acting myself. I've been getting overly angry about usually meaningless situations, I've recently started getting the unusually strong urge to pick up smoking again, and thoughts and actions from my old life seem to be making a comeback...out of nowhere. Things that I haven't thought of doing, wanted to do, or dreamed of doing ever again from before I became a Christian are now coming back to haunt me and coming back to tempt me like never before. Of course, this left me on the back porch last night in tears wondering why.
Why now? Why so strong? Why ever again?
One thought, before last night, that seemed to make complete and scarily enough, the only sense, was that I was in fact becoming more of myself. The last few weeks have been well, not that great between God and me, you see. Not that I'm mad or that God is just shunning me, but because of my own apathy and desire to be too busy for Him. I've really dropped the bar in spending any sort of time with Him or having anything to do with His Word or His community. I missed Bible study last week, Cru, church, and can't remember a time I prayed--even for my food.
I realized that I was becoming more of myself because I was becoming less like Christ. I allowed myself to drift farther and farther from where He wanted me to be and who He wanted me to be. As a result, I started to see just how dirty and just how hopeless I am without Him. God allowed me to see who I am without Him. This broken soul with troubled addictions that caused me to spiral out of control at one time were showing their disgusting little face again and it scared the crap out of me! Who was this person?
Me.
I don't remember a time when I felt more ashamed, more dirty, more disgusted. Words that poured out to God were, "Why would you EVER call me your masterpiece?! Look at me!" I have had experiences when I've been aware of my human nature or my sin before, but never quite like this. It was almost as if I was a different person than who I've known for the past 8 or so years...whoa.
It's hard to describe the depth of this backtracking but I have to say, I've probably never been more thankful to God for saving my very soul from where I was 8 years ago. I sat anxious, wide-eyed, and jittery on that porch in deep sobs because of a mere glimpse of who I could be today without God and it was the most horrific sight of my life.
The only reason I was able to withstand those temptations without giving in was purely the power of Christ within me. Some of those addictions that I wanted to fall back into were not ones you could just start and stop on a dime--I was addicted. I wouldn't have been able to stop, at least not very easily. I almost gave in several times, and in fact did with one, but God didn't want me to fall back into those habits--He just wanted me to realize the depth of what could be. Thank God too much of my old self died to be resurrected. Thank God He alone is my strength and my provider. Thank God He's holding me instead of me holding onto Him. You can never let God down because you were never holding Him up.
Why now? Why so strong? Why ever again?
One thought, before last night, that seemed to make complete and scarily enough, the only sense, was that I was in fact becoming more of myself. The last few weeks have been well, not that great between God and me, you see. Not that I'm mad or that God is just shunning me, but because of my own apathy and desire to be too busy for Him. I've really dropped the bar in spending any sort of time with Him or having anything to do with His Word or His community. I missed Bible study last week, Cru, church, and can't remember a time I prayed--even for my food.
I realized that I was becoming more of myself because I was becoming less like Christ. I allowed myself to drift farther and farther from where He wanted me to be and who He wanted me to be. As a result, I started to see just how dirty and just how hopeless I am without Him. God allowed me to see who I am without Him. This broken soul with troubled addictions that caused me to spiral out of control at one time were showing their disgusting little face again and it scared the crap out of me! Who was this person?
Me.
I don't remember a time when I felt more ashamed, more dirty, more disgusted. Words that poured out to God were, "Why would you EVER call me your masterpiece?! Look at me!" I have had experiences when I've been aware of my human nature or my sin before, but never quite like this. It was almost as if I was a different person than who I've known for the past 8 or so years...whoa.
It's hard to describe the depth of this backtracking but I have to say, I've probably never been more thankful to God for saving my very soul from where I was 8 years ago. I sat anxious, wide-eyed, and jittery on that porch in deep sobs because of a mere glimpse of who I could be today without God and it was the most horrific sight of my life.
The only reason I was able to withstand those temptations without giving in was purely the power of Christ within me. Some of those addictions that I wanted to fall back into were not ones you could just start and stop on a dime--I was addicted. I wouldn't have been able to stop, at least not very easily. I almost gave in several times, and in fact did with one, but God didn't want me to fall back into those habits--He just wanted me to realize the depth of what could be. Thank God too much of my old self died to be resurrected. Thank God He alone is my strength and my provider. Thank God He's holding me instead of me holding onto Him. You can never let God down because you were never holding Him up.
September 02, 2009
Watching the Invisible Enemy
This past week and a half I've noticed how good Satan truly is...now before you bash me or wish me to hell, I mean how good at his job he truly is. Satan's BIGGEST claim to fame and his BIGGEST success is staying invisible. He lurks in the secrets of your heart, the darkness of the unknown, but yet he lurches out at us without us even having a clue that he's the one attacking.
WHY?!
Well, Satan is the master of deception, the king of lies, the losers of losers, blah blah blah. He is awesome and most capable of staying hidden while being the instigator because that's when he's most potent--the invisible enemy is always lethal. Think about playing your favorite sport or game. Take chess for example. How in the world do you have a shot at winning chess? You anticipate your opponent's next move and you definitely pay attention to his previous ones. If you can't see who you're up against, no better yet, if you FORGET that you're up against someone but yet they're still playing well and hard, you are most definitely going to lose. Fail. Vamoose.
Yesterday, I got a text from someone who was pretty concerned about my brother. This person said that he didn't seem to be doing well at all and that she was concerned for him...crap. I just got out of my last class for the day and just decided to walk the 2 miles home. Anyways, as I decided to walk, I started to just wonder. Wonder why if my brother made that decision to follow Christ just a little over a month ago now, why in the world he would be worse than before. I wasn't necessarily angry--at God anyways--and I wasn't all that sad, I was more at a loss of words and an almost lost sense of hope. I didn't even know what to say or pray to God because I've prayed it all exhaustively before and quite honestly I didn't think it was working...
As I was wrestling through this trying to figure out what in the world I should do or what should happen, etc. I saw it. I had my head down looking at the ground in front of me as I walked and the first thing I saw was, "Do you believe in God?" then 3 cement slabs later, "You can be GOOD without GOD!" I kept walking and literally every other cement slabs for the next 2 minutes alternated these sayings. They were advertisements for the IU Student Atheist group. With each one I was getting ever so angry to the point where I had tears streaming down my face--BAM! It hit me, Satan was attacking me at my very core. He wanted to slap me in the face and I have never been so aware of his attack against my soul than at this very moment.
The next thing I did was the best thing, in my opinion, I could've possibly done. I stopped trying to talk to God about why things weren't getting better for my brother and I started fighting for my brother against Satan--obviously talking to God is always best, but in this case I needed another plan of attack in addition. It was almost like a prayer to Satan but for him to leave well enough alone and to realize that he has been defeated FOREVER. As I did this I started to feel the burden lifted and I kept reminding Satan of how much of a coward he is that he has to fight while hidden, that he already lost my brother's soul so now out of a bitter 2-year old's temper-tantrum he's taking it out on my brother with everything he has. I felt this power well up inside me and I yelled at Satan with everything I had (all this going on while walking home mind you). I told him how pitiful he is that he was not only stripped of his glory when he was thrown out of Heaven, but he had also already lost the biggest fight of his life--this world.
You see, Satan has and will bring down churches and God's people not because they're "bad" people but because he's mad as hell (I was going for the pun ;) and he will do EVERYTHING in his power to drag them down with him. He's already lost the war but we CANNOT let him win these battles. Take Satan down with all you have and not only should you plead with God but you should also fight Satan to the very core. There's two sides to this war, let's not forget our enemy.
With that said, I have one challenge for thought for you and I would LOVE your feedback to the answer:
Is it important for us to forgive Satan just as we would any other person who has wronged us?
WHY?!
Well, Satan is the master of deception, the king of lies, the losers of losers, blah blah blah. He is awesome and most capable of staying hidden while being the instigator because that's when he's most potent--the invisible enemy is always lethal. Think about playing your favorite sport or game. Take chess for example. How in the world do you have a shot at winning chess? You anticipate your opponent's next move and you definitely pay attention to his previous ones. If you can't see who you're up against, no better yet, if you FORGET that you're up against someone but yet they're still playing well and hard, you are most definitely going to lose. Fail. Vamoose.
Yesterday, I got a text from someone who was pretty concerned about my brother. This person said that he didn't seem to be doing well at all and that she was concerned for him...crap. I just got out of my last class for the day and just decided to walk the 2 miles home. Anyways, as I decided to walk, I started to just wonder. Wonder why if my brother made that decision to follow Christ just a little over a month ago now, why in the world he would be worse than before. I wasn't necessarily angry--at God anyways--and I wasn't all that sad, I was more at a loss of words and an almost lost sense of hope. I didn't even know what to say or pray to God because I've prayed it all exhaustively before and quite honestly I didn't think it was working...
As I was wrestling through this trying to figure out what in the world I should do or what should happen, etc. I saw it. I had my head down looking at the ground in front of me as I walked and the first thing I saw was, "Do you believe in God?" then 3 cement slabs later, "You can be GOOD without GOD!" I kept walking and literally every other cement slabs for the next 2 minutes alternated these sayings. They were advertisements for the IU Student Atheist group. With each one I was getting ever so angry to the point where I had tears streaming down my face--BAM! It hit me, Satan was attacking me at my very core. He wanted to slap me in the face and I have never been so aware of his attack against my soul than at this very moment.
The next thing I did was the best thing, in my opinion, I could've possibly done. I stopped trying to talk to God about why things weren't getting better for my brother and I started fighting for my brother against Satan--obviously talking to God is always best, but in this case I needed another plan of attack in addition. It was almost like a prayer to Satan but for him to leave well enough alone and to realize that he has been defeated FOREVER. As I did this I started to feel the burden lifted and I kept reminding Satan of how much of a coward he is that he has to fight while hidden, that he already lost my brother's soul so now out of a bitter 2-year old's temper-tantrum he's taking it out on my brother with everything he has. I felt this power well up inside me and I yelled at Satan with everything I had (all this going on while walking home mind you). I told him how pitiful he is that he was not only stripped of his glory when he was thrown out of Heaven, but he had also already lost the biggest fight of his life--this world.
You see, Satan has and will bring down churches and God's people not because they're "bad" people but because he's mad as hell (I was going for the pun ;) and he will do EVERYTHING in his power to drag them down with him. He's already lost the war but we CANNOT let him win these battles. Take Satan down with all you have and not only should you plead with God but you should also fight Satan to the very core. There's two sides to this war, let's not forget our enemy.
With that said, I have one challenge for thought for you and I would LOVE your feedback to the answer:
Is it important for us to forgive Satan just as we would any other person who has wronged us?
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