Recently, I've realized, or at least been saying more frequently, that I haven't been acting myself. I've been getting overly angry about usually meaningless situations, I've recently started getting the unusually strong urge to pick up smoking again, and thoughts and actions from my old life seem to be making a comeback...out of nowhere. Things that I haven't thought of doing, wanted to do, or dreamed of doing ever again from before I became a Christian are now coming back to haunt me and coming back to tempt me like never before. Of course, this left me on the back porch last night in tears wondering why.
Why now? Why so strong? Why ever again?
One thought, before last night, that seemed to make complete and scarily enough, the only sense, was that I was in fact becoming more of myself. The last few weeks have been well, not that great between God and me, you see. Not that I'm mad or that God is just shunning me, but because of my own apathy and desire to be too busy for Him. I've really dropped the bar in spending any sort of time with Him or having anything to do with His Word or His community. I missed Bible study last week, Cru, church, and can't remember a time I prayed--even for my food.
I realized that I was becoming more of myself because I was becoming less like Christ. I allowed myself to drift farther and farther from where He wanted me to be and who He wanted me to be. As a result, I started to see just how dirty and just how hopeless I am without Him. God allowed me to see who I am without Him. This broken soul with troubled addictions that caused me to spiral out of control at one time were showing their disgusting little face again and it scared the crap out of me! Who was this person?
Me.
I don't remember a time when I felt more ashamed, more dirty, more disgusted. Words that poured out to God were, "Why would you EVER call me your masterpiece?! Look at me!" I have had experiences when I've been aware of my human nature or my sin before, but never quite like this. It was almost as if I was a different person than who I've known for the past 8 or so years...whoa.
It's hard to describe the depth of this backtracking but I have to say, I've probably never been more thankful to God for saving my very soul from where I was 8 years ago. I sat anxious, wide-eyed, and jittery on that porch in deep sobs because of a mere glimpse of who I could be today without God and it was the most horrific sight of my life.
The only reason I was able to withstand those temptations without giving in was purely the power of Christ within me. Some of those addictions that I wanted to fall back into were not ones you could just start and stop on a dime--I was addicted. I wouldn't have been able to stop, at least not very easily. I almost gave in several times, and in fact did with one, but God didn't want me to fall back into those habits--He just wanted me to realize the depth of what could be. Thank God too much of my old self died to be resurrected. Thank God He alone is my strength and my provider. Thank God He's holding me instead of me holding onto Him. You can never let God down because you were never holding Him up.
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